Back in the Sun

After so long,

straining to see,

I was blind.

 

I would go several minutes

multiple times per day,

wherever it was bright,

when I was frozen

When I couldn’t force my eyes to see,

like the freezing showers

and orders to burn a hole,

there is an instinct

it won’t let me move right away.

 

It is like the sudden shocked struggle

against sleep paralysis,

against them.

Trying! like I had learned,

to move my arms

to use my hands to kind of make a space, to stop them,

from going too deep, and to hold it open at the same time,

but no matter how desperate the need,

it still takes an agonizing amount of time,

to erode my instinct to freeze.

I mean,

I was that blind,

frozen, fighting,

Trying to hurt.

 

I was only trying to pretend,

like I was supposed to,

part of my deal for being allowed

to come back to the world,

for being too old for them.

 

I had to pretend,

to look like everything was fine

and I was just another boring lame kid,

which I was.

 

So each recess, I was waiting in the line to play handball

and pleading with my eyes

to open in time,

before too many kids noticed,

before someone realized

something was wrong.

 

I had to hurry or delay.

Oh? I hadn’t heard it was my turn,

I need to rub my eyes a second

Stretch first,

pick a side then change my mind

buying seconds, hoping

I would be allowed to feel

the searing pain the sun inflicted

on my cave dwelling eyes,

soon enough.

 

Hoping I would miss

and my turn would end

hoping I would have done enough

to slip through life unnoticed.

Being a kid who won’t play

was not allowed by them.

Curling up in the corner

was not allowed by them.

Hiding in a stall all recess

was not allowed by them.

 

But…being sent to the nurse was an EMERGENCY

It can never happen again.

Even if I had to let

the gross old monitor “search”

under my clothes me for contraband

again.

At least there was an out with him.

The nurse could ruin everything.

I wanted to be outside.

So I had to be okay.

 

After losing a game,

the boys would pick on me, but,

they were just kids,

and the pathetic bruises and scrapes gave me

good cover

to explain ‘things’ more safely

than the prepared reasons.

 

 

I wore the same clothes every day

even when it was almost summer break.

And I had a long list

of semi-believable answers

for whatever managed to peek out

from my turtleneck, corduroys, and jacket.

 

I just had surgery.

I am not scared of water,

I just can't get the dressings wet.

A horse stepped on my foot,

and wouldn’t get off,

until I agreed to go back home.

A donkey bit me.

I fell off of the deck.

I threw a rock and it,

ricochet off the washing machine,

and hit my eye.

I tripped and hit the stove,

with my face.

I dropped something,

while holding a knife,

and grabbed for what I dropped,

and accidentally stabbed myself

through my arm,

severing the nerves,

and all the fat

blobs were falling out,

like tapioca pearls,

and I have to wear a brace,

because the nerves are damaged.

I had a mole the size of a silver dollar,

removed, it might be cancer.

They are not black eyes,

I am just really tired, again,

I wasn’t allowed able to sleep.

I am swollen from poison oak.

a bug bite, a wasp.

I fell off my bike.

A car stopped right in front of me,

and I ran right into it.

I was too slow getting in the car, and my mom drove over my leg, and then rolled down her window to yell, at me to move but I couldn’t because, she was on my leg. I... I kicked a tree and hurt my leg, shit.

I tried to kick a ball

and fell

and scraped my arm.

I accidentally slammed my hand in a door,

again.

I caught myself in the zipper,

again.

I have bad knees.

I kicked the bedframe and

broke my toe, so I have to wear last year’s shoes

with holes because my toes are swollen

I do have new shoes,

maybe next week I will wear them.

The chair broke and I fell on my ribs.

I was walking on a fence and fell

and the post went in me and something tore

and I can’t laugh or run or it tears open again.

I fainted

at the grocery store and hit my head,

And I had to sit with my head way down by my knees,

by the shopping carts,

like a drug addict.

I fainted

at the clinic and hit my head,

but I could still hear the screaming

even after the world was black.

I fainted

at a restaurant and hit my ear.

I fainted

waiting in line and hit a pole.

I fainted

in the woods

and a branch scratched my face.

I fainted

in the pen and got an infection,

from the manure in the scrape.

I fainted

in the little room and

something was wrong with my throat,

and my jaw when I woke up,

I think I had my mouth open,

too long or too wide,

but that is why I can’t chew any more,

my jaw is clicking,

and my teeth don’t meet anymore,

unless I make them but that makes

my ears pop and hurts bad,

until I give up trying,

and my ear hurts when I move my mouth,

except just the bare minimum,

so I have to kind of take one bite and then swallow without chewing,

so no gum for me!

thanks for offering though.

I get ear infections every year,

and it sounds like I am under water,

for a week as the pain builds and throbs,

and my ears bleed when they finally rupture,

and I can breathe again, so I don’t want to swim today,

but thank you, I just don’t want to get my ear wet.

A dog bit me.

 

I knew well enough

to pick the best story for the question

and sound unconcerned

It worked most of the time,

Most who were not fooled, didn’t care,

A very few were not fooled, but

they wanted some action,

in return.

 

The leader of boys,

he was one of the very few,

a sadistic kid.

but he didn’t use me like that,

he protected me,

sort of,

he specialized in public shame, in bullying

the bullies

when they picked on me,

after letting them go too far,

when no one would question his defense.

He just needed a reason,

to be violent without repercussions

to inflict pain and be praised for it.

 

I don’t think I could fight at school,

I couldn’t hurt a child,

without seeing myself.

And I couldn’t risk the office,

so let them have their fun.

What am I if not a toy?

 

I knew the leader of boys would not let them go too far,

And boys my age didn’t know

the tricks to really make it hurt.

I was not ungrateful really,

most bullies moved on

after a few thrashings,

and I didn’t mind that school

could be a place where I could

take a break from things for a while

rest a bit, heal a bit.

 

We had an understanding.

The leader of boys, he was also used,

he told me about it,

shared me with his Them.

I think it was a setup,

a trade to let him off.

I don’t blame him.

I didn’t blame anyone.

 

 

I was just grateful to be.

 

Back in the sun.